To Most of The Boys I’ve Loved Before

FullSizeRender.jpeg

Written By Aspen, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

In a conversation with one of my dearest and most honest friends a few weeks ago, it was brought to my attention that I have a “type”. I called her upset by yet another series of interactions with a man who has expressed interest in me over the course of several years but has always rambled off a list of excuses when it came time to answer my questions regarding where we stand. It was a harsh reality that came to the forefront of my mind when she told me that I am constantly falling for men who are unconventionally attracted to me. A hard pill to swallow at the time, I’ve since gathered my thoughts and put them in this letter.

To All the Men Who Have Been Attracted to My Unconventional (read: Inner) Beauty:

 I start this letter by first saying thank you. You were put in my life at some point during these 25 (almost 26!) years and in those times we shared jokes, emotions, feelings, and adventures that I can’t possibly ever forget.

I try my best to keep a positive outlook on life and maintain the mindset that everything truly happens for a reason. So for most of you, those good time outweigh the bad ones. But even though I forgive you all for any of the bad times (and I hope you to do the same for me because I surely made mistakes too along my interpersonal journey), I cannot forget them. 

I cannot forget the way you told me that I should straighten my hair more because it looks so good “just like a white girl”.

Alternately, I cannot forget the way I was told that you like my natural curls more because it makes me looks more Black. (Ironically enough, that was the same man as the last comment – he jumped on the natural hair wave like the rest of us and swore he was woke after that).

I cannot forget the way you told me that I look best in the color black because “it’s slimming”– my body isn’t a funeral and I actually look great in yellow and blue.

 I cannot forget the times those of you decided to order for me so that I would eat something with less calories. Or the way that you would try to make me hate my own body by reminding me how many calories are in each item that I chose to consume.

 I cannot forget the way that you pushed me to work out with you or sign up for yet another gym membership under the guise that it would allow us to spend more time together. There is nothing inherently wrong with active dates – hell, I love a good hike or swim! But you didn’t do this because you cared about me or my health (which is not in jeopardy according to my doctor), you did it because you wanted to change me.

I cannot forget the way that you poked my stomach and chuckled while cuddling, only to follow up by telling me you’ve never dated any one before with extra meat on their bones.

 The list goes on and on but it always leads to the same end. I cannot forget the way that you went out of your way to tell me how much you’ve fallen in love with my personality — that way I cared for others, made you laugh, and lifted your spirits day in and day out even though you never ceased to break mine with the constant reminders that how I looked would never match the person you envisioned yourself with – someone with a flatter stomach, different skin, and different hair. So, until that changed you could only see me as a sister or best friend but never a romantic lover despite your repeated tipsy sexual advances that did nothing but confuse us both and which you adamantly decided to blame on the alcohol in order to convince yourself that you couldn’t possibly be attracted to someone who looks like me.

 And most importantly, I cannot forget the way all of you found solace in the emotional burden you placed on me. And for that, I not only have to forgive you but I also have to forgive myself for allowing each and everyone one of you to take advantage of my kindness and invalidate ALL that I had to offer.

And at the same time, I cannot be upset towards any of you for any longer as it pertains to these indiscretions or for envisioning yourself and your romantic future with someone who doesn’t look like me. But just like the many times I’ve challenged you in ways that foster your own growth during our time together, I challenge you one last time. I challenge you to figure out what contributes to your definition of beauty. If you are like most people, this mindset that you think you’ve created on your own is probably actually constructed by the media that you consume. While I no longer have interest in pursuing you romantically, I urge you to think critically about this as you continue to grow and engage with women (or honestly anyone really) particularly as it relates to harm that may be contributing to those you claim to care about. And in tandem, I will challenge myself. I will challenge myself to remember that I have agency. I do not have to fall silent and allow you to try to change me. And please not that when I say you, I mean the next you that stumbles into my life because men like you come by the dozen.

So, just as I began this letter, I end it by once again thanking you. Only this time, I thank you for failing to acknowledge that I am beautiful inside AND out, no matter how my body and mind grow, change, or even slim (I recently accidentally found out I really enjoy jogging when you aren’t trying to subliminally force me into doing  it!). Out of all of our interactions, it is your inaction that emboldens me to rationalize the idea that even though I haven’t met them yet, a person who doubtlessly recognizes this aforementioned FACT is somewhere out there waiting for me.

All The Best,

Aspen

Aspen, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

 

 

Black Women

FullSizeRender-1.jpeg

Written By Cash, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Black women deserve better. Respect Black women. Empower Black women. Invest in Black women. PAY Black women. Black women deserve to be uplifted because society wouldn’t be uplifted without us. We show the world what it means to be resilient. We fight hard, because we love hard.

Last Saturday, I was slated to speak at an event hosted by Kwamara Thompson on education with other phenomenal Black women was zoom bombed by racists. The creator and facilitator of this illustrious event did everything that she could to create a safe space for Black women to express and be free, both systematically with the zoom settings and in content. Yet, it was infiltrated by racists in an act of terror so vivid that I still have images of the content in my head. After this experience, I sat still on my couch for 30 minutes just trying to process how an event that was created to center voices of Black woman excellence with the intention of giving back and serving others could be looted in this way. I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand how sharing strategies in education and Black experiences in schools could be a threat. Why us? Why did they target this? It took 2 hours for me to get up and move around again. It wasn’t until then that I realized that this was by design. This system was built upon silencing Black women – especially when the content is geared toward uplift, education, or innovation. I realized that by being seen on this platform, I was a threat. I remembered the history that I was taught about enslavement in America and how if a person who was enslaved tried to learn to read they would be punished. I remembered that learning to write was against the law for my ancestors. I remembered that after emancipation and the construction of the Freedmen’s Bureau, the first thing that was burned down in the deep south were elementary schools. This was by design. 

So, then I picked myself up and we made plans to do it again!

Now, I want you to think about this from a programming stand-point: Imagine what it’s like being an 8-year-old, a time when your job is to be a kid – happy, playful, learning, sitting. You get sat down to watch a TV show about 4 little girls who looked just like you who were murdered during Bible study at 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama. Imagine knowing that there was no justice and no peace for these families, only the scar of fear stemming from engaging in community one minute to losing everything the next for no reason. Imagine knowing that those four little girls were your age and that your father was four years old when this happened – so you felt it on a whole different level. Imagine at 8-years-old, thinking that their only jobs were to be happy, and playful, and to learn the world but to know that their lives were taken from them before they got the chance to grow up because of racism.

For years, I was afraid to go to any Black church out of fear that I, too, would be bombed in the basement. I was giving into programming from these hateful people that told me that I must fear the very places that were meant for peace, community, and solace. And yet, I remember that each time that I went to church I found home and safety in the arms of the people who were there. I found a voice. I found peace. Everything in my body and through my programming told me not to go – that I shouldn’t, yet my spirit prevailed and I showed up each Sunday with the confidence in something larger than myself. This is the very definition of resilience and grit.

This contrast, I believe, very deeply shows the duality of the Black woman’s existence. It reveals something that the world is afraid of. We are so mindfully aware of the threat against our safety in all cases for being both black and woman, but are so magical and divine that we find home in it. As a person who studies mindfulness and mediation and a practitioner of the work, I often say that Black women are some of the most mindful creatures on earth. Both, because we have had to be to survive but more so because of our innate ability to be in tune with everything we do, see, and hear with intentionality. We cook mindfully, we sing mindfully, we banter mindfully, we dance mindfully, we study mindfully, we engage in spirituality and prayer mindfully. We take the pain and hurt of others and transform it into movements, and marches, and books, and poems. Our very existence is challenged every day and we still find ways of thriving and giving back to the world with such joy. We were raised in this.

As a child, I was taught to be vigilant, strong, outspoken, but to know that the world was going to use all of those against me. I was taught to be open, loving, and caring but to know that in an instant I could be taken advantage of because of my body, melanin, and hair. And these lessons were not only gracefully given from my household, but painly experienced from society, the media, and the people around me. Looking back on my upbringing, my parents and village were phenomenal. I grew up in a very safe, loving, and comfortable environment. They all worked hard to give my sister-cousins and I space to grow authentically. They guided our spirits, yet were very intentional about letting us find our voice. They worked to shield us from the world by preparation, but also let us be kids and to find joy! And now in retrospect I understand that with all of the care, love, and lessons they couldn’t have forewarned that in 2020 we would be fighting on the mainstage just to be seen and heard in a world demanding for Black Lives to matter. That with our voices, the spaces we created for ourselves would be challenged at every turn. That being conscious and educated to the world would mean that we were a threat and would lead to even more mistreatment. They could not have begun to fathom that the world wouldn’t see us needing to be protected, comforted, treated in a way that uplifted our feminie essence, energy and intellect. But we see it. We feel it and we are determined to pick up our magic each time and yell “WE ARE HERE” anyway, because we are the very embodiment of “better”. We are showing up in every movement and space because we have the blueprint in our DNA of what it’s like to be all things amazing even when battered and bruised. In this era and the next, we will be listened to because our voice is the movement. We have something to say and that you need to hear. You can drop the mic or not, but know that when it’s our time to speak we will graciously take the mic and let the voice of liberation roll from hilltop to valley. And, it is because of this reason that we deserve better from you, the proverbial you – the societal you.

We are the uplifters of society because we know what it’s like to be programmed to fear and hate, but to rise because it is rooted in who we are. We invent. We educate. We inspire. We create. And, you are going to get this magic and divinity whether you open yourself up to it or not!

P.S. We don’t need your sorrys. We need your commitment. 

Cash, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

 

“What to the Slave is the 4th of July?” Part 2

FullSizeRender.jpeg

The sunlight that brought light and healing to you, has brought stripes and death to me. This Fourth July is yours, not mine. You may rejoice, I must mourn.

Here we are again. We’ve arrived at yet another anniversary of this nation’s birth 244 years ago. 244 years ago, your “founding fathers” Jefferson, Franklin, Adams, and the boys declared that all men were created equal and whatnot. The United States of America was free from Britain’s tyrannous rule for the first time since colonizers took the land of the free and home of the brave from Native and Indiginous peoples. Citizens of this “new land” had the right to own property (including Africans and their descendants) and the freedom to be whoever and whatever they wanted.

Not my people, though. We were and still are in life-long bondage to the man. In different but similar ways, though.

We hold these truths to be self-evident …

Two years ago, I wrote “What to the Slave is the 4th of July?” part 1. You can access it here: https://thecrownedseries.com/?s=what+to+the+slave . In that blog post, I outlined the ways in which freedom does not ring for Black Americans the way it does for white folks. In the era of COVID, every time I go out in public and see someone with an American flag mask on their face I cringe. To me, the American flag is the equivalent to the Confederate Flag. How can people celebrate a country that keeps children and families locked in cages at the border, kills unarmed Black people, calls the police on unarmed Black people, has an overtly corrupt clown occupying the white house who threatens to rage war on anyone who defies him, gives its citizens $1,200 (maybe) for a stimulus check but gave millions of dollars to banks, and robs the American education system of pertinent funding for children and gives it to arm law enforcement. The list goes on.

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or country that still has yet to arrest, charge, and convict the police officers who murdered Breonna Taylor in her bed while she slept with her boyfriend on March 13, 2020?

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or country that keeps its knee in our necks (rest in Heaven George Floyd) in every aspect of American society? Here’s a short list to name a few:

  • Healthcare
  • Education
  • Employment opportunities
  • Home ownership
  • Business ownership
  • Bank Loans
  • Red lining
  • Gentrification
  • Employment and pay equity
  • Prison

This list is never ending. 

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or country that values going to bars without a mask on over changing the systemic racism embedded in our institutions of law enforcement? 

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or country that has anti-Blackness inside its DNA? 

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or country that would rather paint BLACK LIVES MATTER on a street than defund police departments?

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or country that gave us the Civil Rights Act of 1965 but in 2020, there’s still voter suppression in states like Georgia and Kentucky?

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or a country that still keeps Black folks in some of the lowest paid positions and expects us to “pull ourselves up by the bootstraps”?

How can we pledge allegiance to a “flag” or a country that blackballed Colin Kaepernick for kneeling during the National Anthem but allowed armed protestors in Michigan to storm the capitol when they wanted outside to open back up because of COVID?

…that all men are created equal.

Nah,

Fellow-citizens, above your national, tumultuous joy, I hear the mournful wail of millions! whose chains, heavy and grievous yesterday, are, to-day, rendered more intolerable by the jubilee shouts that reach them. 

While it is true, there is no other country that I’d rather live in because this is the only place I know, it is also true that this is a really shitty place to live sometimes as a Black person. Our homie Frederic Douglass told y’all this back in 1852 when he gave this famous speech. Read it here: https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4h2927t.html or listen to his descendants read it to you! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBe5qbnkqoM&feature=emb_share&fbclid=IwAR0UghtdUZD8J-dIskTE_YqGuYRpgYBbigNdzvV7BOPQI28tM1L5G47S60w

How sad it is to see that 168 years later, Douglass’ words still ring so true. He’d be disappointed at just how little progress the country has made. He’d be disappointed with how white Karens weaponize their white womanhood against Black lives on a daily basis because they can’t mind their own business. To be honest, I could see him giving another speech called “What to the Slave is the Fourth of July…continued” to tell America about itself once again. But this time instead of expressing his disappointment as “eloquently” as he did in the first speech, he’d probably just say, “Y’all still out here trippin’ and it’s pissin’ me off”. 

But fret not Black folks, I hope on Juneteenth last month, we celebrated just as hard as the closeted and out klan members are doing today. I hope we sprinkled all of our Black magic around this globe as our people were out there on the frontlines as medical workers and as activist calling for the justice of Black people. I pray we continue to celebrate. We have a right to be happy. We have a right to joy and I’ll be damned if I don’t find ways to keep my joy in this long fight. I pray that while I’m still alive, I’ll live to see the day when justice is really for all, when laws are stripped of the inequitable practices and rebuilt from the ground up, and when Black Lives Matter in all aspects of this country. 

Life. Liberty. Pursuit of Happiness.

So, what am I doing this July 4th? Minding my extra Black business and moving about the day like a regular day. Keeping six feet apart from strangers and checking my surroundings everywhere I go. Lastly, I’ll be spreading the magic I possess all around Tampa Bay.

❤ Queen T

 

The Revolution Will Be Televised

Created with RNI Films app. Preset 'Agfa Optima 200 v.2'

What can I as a white person do to support during this time?

Tristen, I’m not sure what I can do as a white person during this time. I am angry at what I’m seeing.

I can’t tell you how many white people, specifically, white women, have been in the multiple DMs that I have over the last 5-days telling me they’re sorry or asking me how they can support Black folks during this time of civil unrest. And I’m done.

I’m done giving free advice to white folks about what they can do to help stop racism. Black folks have been telling you for centuries how to not be assholes and how to teach your children to not be the same. But now, that the country is literally on fire, you’re outraged. Newsflash, there’s historically always been civil unrest in the country when it comes to Black and white people. 

I capitalize the ‘B’ in ‘Black’ for a reason.

In 1971, Gil Scott-Heron released a spoken-word piece, “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” (listen here: https://youtu.be/qGaoXAwl9kw). This piece rhythmically operationalizes the ways in which “the revolution” won’t come to you in the news or on television broadcasts. The revolution would not be televised because the revolution was live. It was happening on the streets, in courtrooms, at the ballot, at the grocery stores, and more from Black people who were on the front lines fighting for justice and equity for themselves but also everyone. The Civil Rights Era of the 1950s-1970s was a stepping stone for all other movements that followed it  (the new “feminist” movement, LGBTQ+ movement, disability rights movement…). Scott-Heron calls attention to the way in which society cared about the things they put out in the media. During the Civil Rights Era, America was able to witness first-hand the abuse protestors faced at the hands of law enforcement and local government officials. America watched as protestors were water hosed on full blast and bitten by police K-9 units. America watched as innocent people were beaten with billy clubs by white officers in uniform and who would then take off that uniform at night and put on their other ones…white sheets and hoods and ride through neighborhoods burning down churches and bombing homes of Black activists.

But still. The revolution was live. 

Today, I argue, that the revolution WILL be televised and IS televised. The invention of social media has been a gift and a curse to the world. I thank social media for providing us space, like television, did in the ‘50s to the ‘70s, to witness the public lynching and blatant abuse of Black lives due to anti-Blackness and structural racism. Because of social media, the revolution is literally LIVE. How many Facebook Live murders of unarmed Black people? How many videos of white people calling the police on unarmed Black people have we seen because of social media? How many times has social media provided a platform for Black folks who are angry about what’s happening to speak out and call for action with no responses? 

HOW MANY TIMES DO POLICE AND WHITE VIGILANTES GET TO CONTINUE TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AFTER THEY TAKE A BLACK ONE?

We literally have all of the information we need in the palm of our hands and yet, white people, you dig in your pocket, find some audacity, and then ask a Black person who is grieving, how you can support us. You are now putting the labor on Black people to do the work for you, for free. When Google is free. When you have the free apps of Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram on your iPhone or (ew) Android phone. The historical remnants of why asking a Black person to do the work for you is loud and clear. And you’re going to have to pay me from now on to continue to give you the answers. No longer will I respond, for free, to Facebook messages asking for information on how you can do better or feel better about what is going on. I will gladly send you the email to my business and we can discuss pricing information. Black women, especially, need to be paid more for the emotional, physical, and spiritual labor we’ve given this country since the beginning. 

 

The revolution is in front of you. The revolution is live.

 

The revolution is happening live, in front of you.

 

But not just on social media and television. 

The revolution is happening every time you hear a story in your work environments from a Black person who was microagressed or discriminated against in front of you and you sat and did nothing about it. You didn’t say anything about it to the white colleague who caused that harm. You sat and watched as the Black person was blamed for their own victimization.  

The revolution is happening every time you defend your white son in the principal’s office after he purposely caused harm to a Black student.

The revolution is happening every time you tell your white children or your Black friend that you “don’t see color”.

White women, the revolution is still happening when you decide that you don’t want to talk to your Black children about the Black side of their family because you don’t have a relationship with their Black father anymore. And you teach them to ultimately erase a part of their history…because you “don’t see color”.

The revolution was happening when we saw Rodney King be beaten by police officers in the 1990s and we saw no justice for him. 

The revolution was happening when you justified voting for the celebrity-in-chief because you “wanted to keep your money”.

The revolution is happening across this country as white people are being paid to start the riots at the protests to make Black people look like “savages”. (“I don’t give a damn about them burning down Target. Target should be on the streets with us calling for the justice that our people deserve” – Tamika D. Mallory).

The revolution is happening during COVID-19 work from home when your Black colleagues are still expected to show up to “work from home” with their video cameras on during meetings after another unarmed Black person was harassed or murdered on camera. 

The revolution was happening when an office full of white people and a white-presenting Latinx trans-man rallied together to label me as an angry, oversexualized, bully of a Black woman that ultimately led to my termination/resignation from a job two years ago.

So, no. You don’t get to continue to ask Black people how they can help you do better. You’ve had all the answers already, Sway. As this revolution continues to be televised, you figure out how you can be part of the solution.

❤ Queen T

Black men, Black women, Black Queer folx, Black Trans-men and women, Black gender non-conforming folx, Black skateboarders, Black folx who live in low-income neighborhoods, Black wealthy folx, Black essential workers, Black educators, etc. LIVES MATTER.

Respectability Politics Has Failed Us

Created with RNI Films app. Preset 'Agfa Optima 200 v.2'

Written By Mesha, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Respectability politics has failed us.  Time and time again, when we see a slain black body across the internets, news screens, or social media, there is a counter-narrative that puts a justification of the murder. Sandra Bland should not have been talking back to the officer. Eric Garner should have had more sense than to sell loose squares on the corner. Trayvon Martin knows that the world doesn’t look at little Black boys as children.  Ahmaud Arbery shouldn’t have stopped (and as we find out, he didn’t stop, he was trapped). All of these slain Black bodies faced a terrorizing counter-narrative that takes away their right to live and justifies their deaths.  

But what happens when there are no justifications?  When we, as Black people, become the model, civilized citizens that white supremacy expects us to be, that America has decided for us is the only right way to live.  For the incident that occurred with Christian Cooper, he was just that.  He was the one who was the law-abiding citizen, asking for a fellow neighbor to do just take. Put your damn dog on a leash… in a public park… where leashes are required. I’ve been to Central Park a couple of times, just as beautiful as it is, it’s haunting. I think of Central Park 5 and even all of the SVU episodes knowing that being here, as a Black woman, I can be just as much of a criminal as I could be a victim.

But this ain’t even about me, personally. So, let me bag back and go over some basics.  I started out this by saying that respectability politics has failed us. And I’m sticking to it.  But let’s go over what respectability politics are.  Respectability politics are behaving, speaking, and portraying a life that is socially respectable to our hegemonic, white supremacist society. We’ve been encouraged to shame our loud cousins (the ones on the west side of any major city), get degrees and proudly exclaim “I’m Black and educated” as a banner of pride, to buy nice things that display our worth, to have the “voice” when talking to certain people, to think twice about how we wear our hair depending on what we got going on that week… all that right there, respectability politics. And the list can go on….          

For Christian Cooper, after people did their research and found out he’s a bird lover and graduated from Harvard, he surpassed any anti-Black rhetoric of just fucking with a White lady because he can… the criminalization of his character fallen short real quick. But that didn’t stop #CentralParkKaren from being Karen because anti-Blackness don’t give a damn about where you graduated from, what you do for a living, what your upbringing was because all anti-Blackness does is see a Black body and tries its hardest to erode, kill, and destroy it.  

My issue with Amy Cooper is that she clearly understands how the law is in her favor.  She’s quite aware that there is a volatile relationship with Black men and the police.  She’s quite aware of her pedestal as a white woman.  She’s quite aware that any angst that she has will be handled.  She’s quite aware of how dangerous she can be while simultaneously appear fragile.  And most importantly, she understood the power play of weaponizing her whiteness. There was absolutely nothing that Christian Cooper could have done differently. 

And praises to the most high that her plan to destroy his life because she felt discomfort did not succeed.

Someone mentioned or posted that “racism isn’t happening more often; it just being filmed more” resonated with me. I reflected back to about a decade or so ago and how we, as Black people, began to use social media as a mechanism to draw attention to racism and protest.  While social media does provide a voice, it now also gives a parallel filled with trauma. 

We watch a new violent act of racism at least once a week; it’s reshared, reposted, and retweeted countlessly. What we once used a tool of awareness has now become a tool trauma; we get to see public lynching every day. I argue that it has become a virtual weapon to make an example out of folks who appear to live out of white order and create fear for if we get to see life for another day.  Anything we do can be criminalized. We get to read the comments of white people and even some Black people and other people of color who finds a mean to justify injustice. We get to see the counter-narrative that is normalized through media outlets with no repercussions for its harm.

Per usual, I’m triggered, but I can’t find myself to be quiet as I have been before, or to only share quotes and partake in virtual protests can’t be what my resistance relies on.  I’ve decided to use my voice in a way that shares light on whatever situation that we face as a Black community.  I’m not saying that Christian Cooper has intentionally lived in a way to please white people deliberately. I don’t know him and don’t need to. But I do know that whiteness and power don’t have love for Black bodies, so we must find ways to enjoy our lives while we have them. We must love our Blackness even more than whiteness hates it. I’ll close with one of the greatest rappers alive verse, “Rich n****a, poor n***a, house n***a, field n***a… still n***a.”

Also, I know.. I couldn’t not see the murder of George Floyd. But at this moment, I have absolutely no words right now.

 

Mesha, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

How Are You Spending Your Time…in a Global Pandemic?

Created with RNI Films app. Preset 'Agfa Optima 200 v.2'

Written By Aspen, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

This week many of us are wrapping up our ninth week of social and physical distancing and as several states reopen to jumpstart their economies, Miss Rona has made it clear that her world tour is still in full swing. For me, this week has been rather enlightening as I think about how to respond to the many uncertainties of life moving forward as medical professionals tell us one thing and then our state and federal government officials tell us something completely different. Zoom happy hours have lost their allure and drinking isn’t even fun anymore. I miss sitting on the couch geeking out about Twitter posts and outlandish Facebook videos but with my friends because it’s a completely different experience with other people compared to when I am alone. As I scroll through social media with this in mind, I constantly see “Roc Nation Brunch Twitter” telling me that if I am not starting a business right now I am not utilizing my time appropriately. This is coupled with my Instagram Explore page being filled with HIIT workouts that can be done with the aid of my couch in order to avoid the “Quarantine 15”.

Now to say that something about this doesn’t sit quite right with me doesn’t mean that I lack ambition or don’t care about my health. But I think it speaks the larger pervasive question of people constantly asking one another how they are spending their time. More importantly, they are judging others for not participating in these things when there are people dying in the world because we are literally in a pandemic. Now I don’t know about you all but this is certainly the first time I’ve ever experienced in my life so I really just set a personal standard of taking it day by day because who knows what tomorrow will bring. So to clarify, I applaud those of you with a more futuristic thinking pattern than me and I think now more than ever we need to celebrate the diversity in responses and be understanding rather than placing judgment on one another. 

At the same time, I think we need to be realistic with one another. There are 168 hours in any given week: before COVID-19, during, and although I’m not Raven Baxter I think this will also stand after we get a vaccine. Much like before, we are currently managing our time in a way that best works for our individual situations. For me, this looks like spending 40ish hours of my week working my 9-5 job because I clearly enjoy a world of chaos that includes crossing one thing off of my to-do list just to add two more (JK—in all seriousness I really enjoy my job so I don’t mind taking on extra responsibilities even if it means spending a little extra time here and there). So that leaves me with just under 120 hours. Well, a girl needs her rest so knock off 70 of those hours, and then we are working with 50 hours. 

I’ve found myself rather unmotivated during these past few weeks, perhaps because my workspace and my comfort zone (my apartment) have become one. Or maybe because the many students and coworkers that keep me laughing and energized I have not seen for over two months now and with them left my inspiration to write or craft (Facetime and Zoom just aren’t the same as in-person interactions and this is coming from an introvert). I find myself taking walks on this big, beautiful yet empty campus and engaging in yoga/stretching in order to move my body. Admittedly, the idea of “the Quarantine 15” did eat away at my brain for a hot a second at the beginning of this all but then I had to remember who I truly am (y’all really had me in the first half smh). I wasn’t doing intensive workouts before and I am not going to start for the sole reason that I am afraid of my body changing in response to a completely new experience. So I’ve found ways to continue to move my body but in a way that I enjoy and that relieves more stress for me than it causes such as if I’m worried I’m not doing an exercise right and then becoming hyper-aware on my shortcomings and/or get frustrated and give up. I’ve also found myself finding time to catch up on television and Oscar-winning movies that I have yet to see (I highly recommend watching Parasite if you have not yet – it’s available on Hulu right now!) and rediscovered the joy in cooking and the experiments that come with it. 

So, I guess that I say all of this to re-center myself and anyone reading this as we continue on in this uncertain hellscape. Even if things do start to reopen we do not actually know the outcome of a re-ignited economy with a deadly virus on the loose simultaneously (spoiler alert: it’s not looking good y’all). So as we are bored in the house and in the house bored, I remind you all to stay true to who you are. If you have talents that you want to sell then, by all means, do that (start and OnlyFans or Etsy shop!) but if you lack the energy or creativity needed to do that right now then that is ok too. If you are missing the gym and want to move your body in ways that you previously did by finding modified home versions then please explore those opportunities. But don’t feel like you need to start these habits now based on a fear of gaining weight (which speaks to a larger issue of fatphobia and the structural negative attitude and even violence towards large bodies — but I’ll save that conversation for a later date) if that is not something you felt compelled to do before all of this. In summary: Just be you and be great at that! 

P.S. I promise my next post won’t be about this pandemic y’all!

Aspen, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Am I a Witch?

IMG_3946.JPEG

Written By Cash, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Do you know what I was thinking about the other day? I’m 30 years old – single, no kids, happy and personally successful and 300 years ago I would have been called a witch.

Now I know what you’re thinking – what? Girl, you are silly! Indubitably! You are correct. Yet, what’s also silly is the fact that so many different societies, cultures, and people I know personally would think that a woman, and depending on who you talk to especially a black woman, who is 30 years old without children, a spouse or significant other, couldn’t truly be happy just as she is right now and would be striving for “more”. And I don’t mean spots of happiness, I mean moment-to-moment comfort and contentment with just living as she is. I mean, seriously, less than 100 years ago it’s a high possibility that I would have been deemed insane and might have been convicted to a hospital for hysteria. All jokes! But, let me break this down.

I’ll start by saying this: I honor motherhood SO DEEPLY. I am always in awe of the strength, capacity, love, respect, and space that mothers create. I think they are the definition of what a true goddess looks like. Motherhood is sacred and I’d be honored to hold that title one day if by some divine reason it came to be. And in that same breath, I can absolutely see myself living a full life without being one. I don’t feel a yearning or a pulling toward being a mother. Right now at 30 years old, I also don’t see myself wanting to open that door in my journey anytime soon…maybe ever. It’s not about being selfish or a want to continue traveling the world aimlessly. It’s literally because I don’t want to. Period. But when trying to explain that I actually don’t need an explanation for just saying “no thank you” to this part of life, I am met with the most awkward conversations and confusing looks. Many people don’t really understand how I couldn’t have any drive to want to procreate, especially at this stage in my life. It baffles them. They can see how some circumstances would have prevented it up until this point, but in the long run, you HAVE to want kids, right? And that brings me to my next point…

Now, I have friends that feel as if they don’t want to have children at this point in their lives because they are waiting on a spouse or life-partner. A lot of close friends have either waited or want to wait to have children until after they feel settled with another individual. This again, I honor so deeply. I believe in love and I do really feel that there are people out there who make really compatible, strong, foundational matches. But, hear me out…what if that never happens to me either? Would it be crazy to tell you that I’m okay with that? I’m really fine right where I am. I’m happy waking up in the exact spot that I’ve made it to in my journey and pushing to make it to the next. There is no heavy longing in me for companionship on that level either and being single actually suites me quite nicely. What if this was it? Is that so odd? Such a thing so far out of the norm that people would believe that there’s something wrong with me?

I’m saying all of this, out loud, on this blog, because I wonder how many other women out there might feel similar or the same and haven’t said this out loud themselves yet. How many women feel totally secure, happy, healthy, living their best lives, might not want a partner, might not want children, but have been told by everything they watch, hear, and see that they should feel another way? Seriously – Is it at all possible that someone else out there who said this to themselves 30 years ago is now 60 and sitting on the porch of their wooded cabin, wine in hand, sitting with their two dogs at the lake reminiscing on how wonderful of a life they’ve lived? I mean, really, is it that insane to think about?

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I have no idea whether a year from now I would have found my life-partner and changed my mind about having children. I don’t know what the next step in my journey holds. But, I do know that for now there is power in verbalizing happiness with where you are today. There is authenticity in being okay with being okay – you don’t need anything else. There is bravery in saying “no, I don’t think I will conform to that societal ideal”. There is growth in looking back at your upbringing and home environment and noticing patterns that might not actually fit your way of life. And, there’s peace in changing your mind down the road! We don’t have to be one thing to be happy. We can be all of those things or nothing. We can be a mother and a wife, and we can be a life partner to ourselves only. Both are perfect, fulfilling lives. 

So, if you are reading this and there is any of it that resonated with you here is my charge: Sit with your life. Look at yourself.

I mean really look at yourself. Are you happy? GOOD

The real glow up is when you stop waiting to turn into some perfect version of yourself & consciously enjoy being who you are in the present – Anonymous

Cash, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Fear of Success

IMG_3724.JPEG

Written By Mesha, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

I struggled with what I wanted to write about this month.  I recently turned 30, it’s a freaking pandemic, and what we know as life has been flipped upside down. Before all of this, I created a vision of how I wanted my life to be and of all the things I wanted to do. And my heart kept pushing me to write about my bi-polar relationship with success.   I drafted (let’s say a) memo to myself over a year ago. The memo pushed me on the days I wanted to keep on going, but the fear that usually leads me to jump into something headfirst became fear that left me unmoved and paralyzed. I wanted to share it with you all today as we can all take pieces of my self-motivation talk. 

Admittedly, parts of our fear now aren’t about success necessarily, and it may be more about survival during the times that we are living in.  I still find value in what I told myself a year ago… maybe we shouldn’t book that flight quite yet, but we should always find value in our lives and shape our narratives as best as we can.  We are LIVING at home.  If anything, social distancing has taught me is the world doesn’t want to stop, so we must continue to evolve. We must continue to remember ourselves.  We must keep going. I hope you all enjoy the message below!

Hypothetically, we all want to make it, right? Whatever that means to us, we all want to either make a lot of money or enough to be comfortable, be happy, and have some purpose in life.

So, to make it, we chase our dreams and strategically make moves in life that align with our goals to get us where we want to be. I feel that there are times where we know that we can be successful, and we choose not to be out of fear.

Fear of success is real. The fear of actually making it is real. Because once you make it, expectations that you have for yourself changes in addition to the expectations that others have of you. You essentially leveled up, and you KNOW it would be a detriment to go backward in life, and sometimes, you can’t go back to that comfortable place.

The fear of success is worse than the fear of failure because with the fear of success, you know you can do it. But the change of it all is terrifying because it consists of a path you haven’t walked yet.

 One of my friends and I had a series of conversations back to back about our goals. My goals were geared toward my business plans. I wish to execute one day, and hers was about the possibility of a job change. At the core of what both of us vented to another was the fear of it working. Knowing that what’s comfortable would be shifted, all the “what-if’s” occurred. A legit concern that I had that makes absolutely no sense as I type it is, “what if it becomes too much and I can’t have my side hustle and my job?” The goal is to work for yourself! Or at least mine is at some point in my life.

We scare and intimidate ourselves with doubt of accomplishing our goals and miss out on incredible opportunities to make our dreams come true. The fear of success can be paralyzing. 

Taking life by the horns and going for it can be scary, but it is all worth it. So apply for that job, start that business, go to the gym, eat something you always wanted but haven’t tried, book that flight, sis! Whatever your heart desires, …do not paralyze your future with fears.

COVID may have us paralyzed now, the fires in our bellies must not die.  For those of you like me with business dreams, HP, General Motors, Burger King, Microsoft, CNN, EA Games, Uber, Venmo, Groupon, and Airbnb were all birthed out of recessions.  Again, I get it… right now is a little bit different, but if I relied on this inspiration a lot during our social distancing, so I figured it could inspire others too.  Whatever you decide to do, whether that starts a revolution, a business, a book, or cutting a person out of your life, I get that it can all be scary, but making the first step is all worth it.

Mesha, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Carpe Diem @ Home

IMG_3379.jpeg

Written By Vica, – Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Let me first start by saying that everyone’s quarantine experience is different. Some are at home alone, with a partner, with children, or with friends. Different environments cause for different approaches. This blog will be written from my own personal experience with self-isolation.

It’s okay to just chill.

Please don’t think that you have to achieve a said amount of goals every day of every week that we’re stuck at home. This mentality is unrealistic and can harm one’s mental health. Understand that it’s okay to have days when you just lay in bed binge-watching your favorite show or on Insta or TikTok. These days are just as important as the days spent “doing things”.

Set a schedule.

As much as I love laying in bed, we can’t succumb to that desire every single day. Nothing will get done! Start by listing your goals for the week and then proceed to plan out each day. I love a good color-coded planner. I like to do this the night before with ambient music playing. It’s the perfect way for me to relax! 

Adhere to it.

Making sure you’re being responsible and achieving the tasks you’ve listed is key to thriving in this era of self-isolation. Set your alarms, get up on time, and get your day started. I would be lying if I said I do this without fail. But trying is half the battle!

Reward yourself for a day/week well spent.

As humans living in Western society, statistics prove that we seek praise. If we accomplish a task and don’t receive any recognition, it’s unlikely we’ll go out of our way to achieve anything. That’s not to say we must rely on accolades as that’s a problem in and of itself. All I’m saying is if you take the time to acknowledge and appreciate your hard work, you’ll be more inclined to keep up the good work!

A Little Work a Little Play.

Balance is everything. We can’t have one thing without the other. Too much work leads to stress. Too many FaceTime calls take away time spent on quality work. Allot time for both so you can get done what you need to get done and still have time for socialization. Humans need interaction so make sure to say hello to your friends!

Make a new friend.

This one can be a bit tricky especially since we’re not at liberty to roam around outside. The beauty of the technological age we live in is that we can connect with someone on the other side of the world in a matter of seconds. Personally, I found a pen pal! I first stumbled across her Instagram a few weeks ago as her page caught my interest. She lives in the English Countryside with her family and travels all across Europe giving travel tours. One day in her story she put up a poll asking her followers if they would be interested in a pen pal program. Naturally, I said yes and we’ve already exchanged letters (via email cause I’m not about to risk contamination lol)! 

Last but not least, try your hardest not to give in to impulse purchases! I know it’s difficult because it’s like “What else can we do!?” But trust me, you and your pockets will thank you in the long run! Ask yourself, “Do I really need this?”

 

Vica, Official Contributor of The Crowned Series

Insecure S4, Ep. 1: Friendships and Plus Sized Men

IMG_3288.JPEG

*Spoilers ahead, language, and my first time writing about sex – which shouldn’t even be a thing to be nervous about but hey…*

After two lonngggggg years, Issa Rae’s hit HBO show, Insecure, is finally back. And this season, Issa blessed us with 10 episodes. I. AM. READY. Do you hear me? What a perfect time for it to be back during the quarantine none of us were expecting.

I was ready for the bomb fashion each character possesses, the beautiful way the camera captures every character’s shade of Black skin, THE SOUNDTRACK, and the laughs and emotions that the show always brings me. I relate to many of the characters on the show. I see the Issa, Molly, Kelly, Tiffany, Chad, and Lawrence in me on very different occasions. I told my best friend a couple weeks ago that Insecure is the only show on TV (it used to be Insecure and Power until Power wrapped up) that is truly for the culture. It is so unapologetically, millennial Black…probably the reason I like it so much. Many of the scenarios that play out on the show are adaptations of some of our real lives. The show highlights friendships, career, emotional and sexual relationships, and if you watch with a close eye, it’s also political in some ways. 

The season 4 premiere this past Sunday night covered a plethora of topics. I had to rewatch it to really set the basis for this blog post. Many of the topics intrigued me but I see it best to talk about two of them in this post and how they connect with me or others. 

Friendships:

As a semi-thriving, 30-year-old woman, I value the deep connections I have with each of my best friends and my extended friends (extended friends – my real friends outside of my best friends). Friendship is what sustains me daily and what has gotten me through a number of good and bad times in my life. So, of course, the friendship stories in Insecure are ones that resonate with me the most [the second is the character’s relationships with men].  But, yes, as I was saying, if there’s one thing Insecure does well, it’s the friendship storyline among all of the main female identifying characters. 

In every season, we’ve seen conflict and overtly petty things happen between each of the women characters. Season one, we saw just how deep into the “petty bitch” abyss each character could go. For example, Molly told Issa about her experiences with men and sex. Issa goes to an open mic at a bar and sings “Broken Pussy” in honor of Molly, humiliating her in the middle of the bar.  AND someone recorded Issa and put it on the internet. Let’s not forget about the hot tub scene when Issa, Molly, Tiffany, and Kelly all go on a weekend getaway and all four of the women threw all the shade they were born with at each other. It was wild as hell. 

From then on we would see small jabs they all would throw at each other. 

[My favorite one was during the coachella episode when Issa was talking about how something didn’t make sense. Mind you, Issa didn’t have a job at the time. And Kelly says to Issa “You know what else don’t make sense (cents)?….or dollars?…..You”. ]

I say all that to say that we’ve seen many instances where these women should probably stop hanging around each other or they need to just not be friends anymore. They’re lowkey kind of toxic. Molly and Issa are absolutely toxic for each other. When one of them goes low, the other one can cut even lower. We saw no different in this last season. Before season 3 ended, Molly and Issa got into it after Issa’s “situationship” with Nathan came to a halt after he ghosted her. He showed up on Issa’s 30th birthday and Molly stopped him from going to see Issa. When Issa got mad, she started saying some hurtful things to Molly which made Molly fire right back. 

The season 4 premiere opened with Issa on the phone with someone. Issa said to the person “I just don’t fuck with Molly no more” but then the show moves on to I think a few months prior to that. It shows Molly going to Issa’s apartment for Yoga. They were seemingly back to their old selves after the blow up on the season 3 finale. but you could see a bit of the awkwardness when they were in the clothing store together. After Molly found out that Issa was going to try to stay friends/work with Condola after finding out Condola was dating Lawrence, Molly immediately told Issa that her life “don’t have to be this messy” and that she’s “beginning to think she likes that shit”. Molly has a way of taking her frustrations out [in a negative way] on Issa when she is upset about something going on with her. Before this conversation, Molly just found out that guy she was dating, was dating other people. 

I think that Molly and Issa need to call it quits. I think their friendship is at a good enough stopping point to where they won’t have any ill feelings towards the other because they mutually know they need to let each other go. I tried to think about how my friends would have communicated their disappointment in me. I know for sure they would never approach me the way Molly and Issa approach each other. My friends don’t sugar coat their feedback but they know how to deliver it in a way that doesn’t cut you down as a person. Molly and Issa seem to continue to cut into each other all of the time. I’m rooting for their Black woman friendship, but I also know when it’s time to let a friend go. I’ve had to let many friends go over the years. Most of it was due to the fact that we were on completely different life paths. Maybe Molly and Issa need to go down that “Road Not Taken” (shout out to Robert Frost for this poem) and see what else is out there outside of their friendship.

Another point I’d like to make is that it is absolutely okay for you to be friends with your exes new boo in certain situations. For Issa and Condola, they had a prior relationship with each other before Lawrence came into Condola’s life. I think they both made it awkward by letting the situation be awkward. Clearly Issa and Lawrence are done. I don’t see Issa trying to get back with Lawrence either. There are healthy friendships and relationships out there. If everyone has a mutual understanding and can conduct themselves as adults, I think it’s fine. Condola was a huge part of Issa’s new success and it would suck it see it fully wither away because Molly doesn’t think they should be friends or because both Issa and Condola aren’t mature enough to not let Lawrence get in between them.

Plus Sized Men:

“Welcome to a full sized nigga”. – TSA agent on Insecure (I feel bad for forgetting his name).

As I mentioned earlier, the writers of Insecure perfectly shape the relationships between the men and the women on the show be it sexually, romantically, or friendly. Last season, Issa was distraught that the connection between her and Nathan had suddenly stopped when he ghosted her for over a month. When he returned, he told Issa about his mental health issues. At the start of season 4, Nathan is nowhere to be found. 

We do, however, see a scene where Issa is having sex with a plus sized man, who we later find out is a TSA agent. Now, I haven’t seen many shows that truly showcase a sex scene of that capacity with a plus sized man. I’m sure there are some out there but what I’m saying is, I haven’t seen many. The one I recall is the movie Notorious. And again, Notorious is a movie, not a show. Anyway, the scene begins with Issa and Mr. TSA having sex from the back and Issa is clearly not enjoying herself. She expresses her displeasure and they try something else. She again expressed her displeasure and they then moved to the missionary position where Issa was no longer experiencing displeasure. The scene changes to TSA getting dressed and he and Issa were having a very funny exchange. 

I bring up the man’s body size for a few reasons. The first, as I mentioned before, we don’t see many bigger men in mainstream media be centered in that way. Society has a way of feeding us images of men and women who are seemingly “in shape” and it gets ingrained into our subconscious. Once we see those images over and over, anything outside of that is kinda like wtf? Not going to lie, when I saw Issa and him, I definitely said “wtf” for a quick second and then I checked my bias and said “I’m glad Insecure is being body inclusive”. The diversity advocate in me was rooting for the representation. We need to start normalizing all body types in these types of sex scenes because plus sized people also have sex and enjoy having sex. And there’s people out there who enjoy sex with them. Our society desexualizes (is this a word?) plus sized people too much.

The second reason why I mentioned his body size is because Issa absolutely looked very uncomfortable while they were having sex. I’ve had conversations with women who prefer bigger men and women who do not and their thought processes are on two different ends of the spectrum. Issa didn’t seem to enjoy it until he was on top of her. I thought about the times I was uncomfortable during sex with a plus sized man. My one of my exes is plus sized and my other ex gained a lot of weight while we were together. I remembered how sometimes I felt uncomfortable during sex from the sweat, or the other restrictions that came up, and their unwillingness to try to eat right or workout. It got to the point where towards the end of one of those relationships, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him anymore and we weren’t really having sex (probably why he cheated lol). But, how do you express that nicely? Especially because I used to be way bigger than I am now so I know what it’s like to not be seen as desirable. But I also saw my health at risk and needed to do something about it. So, while I am all about representation and ensuring all people have a right to feel loved and beautiful, I also recognize people have preferences and that’s okay.

Next, Issa and TSA guy seem to have a mutual understanding that their relationship is strictly based on sex. However, when Issa had him working the door at her block party, I started to question if Issa was using him. It’s one thing to just have someone slide over for a quick little razzle dazzle, but then to have him working the door at your event…and then did not ask him to come into the event and mingle. A little shady to me, Issa. But go off! If he was Nathan or someone else, I’m sure he would not have been working the door. Don’t try to hide the fact that you are sleeping with a plus sized person. Don’t keep them in the dark on the back burner. It’s not right to do.

The last thing that doesn’t have to do with body size but I believe is relevant here, was Issa being able to express her displeasure. Often times, women are afraid to tell a man during sex that she isn’t feeling it. I’m one of those women. I’ve never told anyone I’ve been with that I wasn’t enjoying what we were doing. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings because the male ego is so fragile. So, when Issa was telling him she didn’t like it, I was sitting on the couch talking to the TV like, “Issa, I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself”. Lol. Seriously, though. I’ve told a couple of my girls this before and they all told me “girl, you better say something”. It’s also like, I don’t think I’ve been with anyone actually interested in satisfying me or a woman in general. It’s always been about them. I’m to the point now that if I do have sex with someone, there has to be conversation beforehand and a mutual understanding that this just aint about you. 

Insecure is my favorite show on TV at the moment and I am excited to see how the rest of this season plays out. I encourage you to watch closely to the characters and see how they relate to parts of your life. 

❤ Queen T