I deleted every trace of you from my iPhone and social media…not that social media was your thing anyway. Thought that might start the healing process. But, I’m still “living my best life” despite everything. When I realized it was officially over, I can admit, I wasn’t sure where to go next. I was kind of at a loss even though all my close friends filled my text messages with “F him” and “He never deserved you” I was still hurt and angry. This letter isn’t to bash you or to shame you for the hurt you caused me, but to let you know that I’ve been actually flourishing since we broke up. I also want you to know the lessons I took away from our relationship.
When we first got together, you knew I was poppin’. Quick reminder of the resume of me: full-time Black woman and everything that comes with the greatness of being a Black woman. Period. I didn’t need to fit any other qualifications because I was the best candidate for the job. But I realized, I wasn’t the best candidate for you. And you weren’t the right candidate for me.
I think I held on to this false reality that because you weren’t controlling and you were nice and had all of these “goals” and you were funny and you thought I was special, that you were the one God sent for me. I looked past the fact that you hardly cleaned up after yourself or that if something didn’t go right you would ultimately give up with no motivation to try again. I forgave you after you cheated and let me find out via Twitter. I had to face the embarrassment of telling my boss about it because it involved another employee. Still, I loved you to the core.
Even after you began neglecting me, I stayed. Talking to God about being patient because you were “just going through something” and I needed to be a supportive woman and stick around to support you. But while I was supporting and waiting on you, I almost lost who I was in the process. I think I started losing myself when I accepted a job in the same city as you thinking it was going to bring us closer.
I want to thank you, though, for all of these experiences. God often brings people in your life for a season. In that season, changes occur and growth begins to happen. I think we grew apart which is why the water, sun, and soil I gave you didn’t help your seed grow. And vice-versa. We didn’t have the tools needed to be comptable.
After everything, I took some good lessons away.
- Reevaluating myself: I understand that I had some faults in the relationship, too. We started this thing and you didn’t trust me because you thought I was going to end up back with my last boyfriend. I proved to you that I was loyal. I understand I can be pushy and impulsive. When I see potential in anything, I try to help push it along. That can be irritating and threatening to a man. Especially when a man’s pride feels like it’s being attacked. Again, I was trying to be that woman who was supportive but I can see how it can be considered controlling.
- Communication: I learned to be a better communicator and ask that my next partner do the same. If there’s an issue, relationships only survive when the communication is effective. I. CAN. NOT. READ. MINDS. If you are feeling some type of way, tell me so we can talk about and find solutions. Don’t wait until the neglect kicks in….then it’s downhill from there.
- Don’t Settle: I’m no longer going to settle. I found myself being afraid of being single so I stayed because I didn’t know what life was going to be like by myself. As I continue to work on myself, I’ve figured out the type of person I want to be in a relationship and know what I need in a partner.
I didn’t realize how much energy I got back into myself until it was officially over. The first step in me getting myself back on track was moving out of state for my current job. I’m running a kick-ass diversity program to help students understand identity and their place in the world. I’m making a difference, here. I lost 6 pounds since I’ve moved here. Not much but I’m looking real right. I sleep in silence at night. I launched this blog and have received positive feedback thus far from people who have gone through some of the same things I’ve talked about on here.
Not going to lie, part of me was still waiting on you to get it together when I left. You still would tell me you loved me and you would listen to my favorite song on dvsn’s first album and think about me. That was cute. Couldn’t believe how easy it was for you to move on with someone else after only a short period of time but after you told me she was “someone you had feelings for while we were together” I realized that I had to find peace and let the thought of you go.
I hope things are well with you. Not sure what you’re up to but hopefully it’s something that is fulfilling. I pray God has favor over the rest of your life and favor over the next relationship you find yourself in. I hope you treat her with nothing but the utmost respect.
The Unwatered Seed